Off the Charted Course

In more detail

Cremation Day Gathering

When there is no service, many families still want to spend the day of the cremation, or a day soon after, together. This gathering can take place in a living room, a backyard, a garden, or along the shore, with chairs arranged in a loose circle and a small table holding prompt cards, a candle, or a stone. A brief opening begins the gathering, and then people share stories, which are often small memories about habits and ordinary days. Silence is welcome, and those who prefer to listen are taking part as much as anyone.

Once a few stories have been told, prompt cards can help draw out more by asking about a place people associate with the person, a moment they remember clearly, or a way the person showed they cared. At some point the group pauses together, perhaps by lighting a candle or holding something that belonged to the person. The gathering closes simply, and people may stay or leave whenever they are ready. The stories can later be written up for the family or shared with those who could not attend.

Remembrance Jam

A Remembrance Jam is a gathering built around listening to music together. Before the event, each guest submits a song that reminds them of the person who has died, and the songs are combined into a shared playlist. The Jam usually takes place in someone's home, though a coffee house or another comfortable setting works just as well. During the gathering, the playlist plays on shuffle, and when a song begins, the person who chose it may share why. A song may be enjoyed together or lead to stories and conversation.

The mood can be quiet or lively, depending on the person and the group, and food and drinks are always welcome. A Remembrance Jam can stand on its own or follow a Remembrance Meal or Game Night, and guests can take the playlist home with them.

The Uncut Story Session

The Uncut Story Session is a storytelling gathering for people who want to remember someone honestly. Guests are welcome to share the funny stories, the embarrassing ones, and the ones that still start arguments at holiday dinners. The session often takes place at home after a meal, and it can stay reflective or become a lighthearted roast.

A HeldFast facilitator opens the session and keeps the conversation kind and inclusive. Listening is enough, and no story needs to be polished or complete. Many families find that humor and honesty make grief easier to bear. With everyone's permission, the session can be recorded or written up for the family.

Game Day or Night

Game Day or Night works something like the games at a baby shower, except every answer is about the person you are missing. It can be held after a cremation or at any point in the weeks that follow, on its own or alongside a meal. Guests might guess the year a photograph was taken or decide how she would have answered a particular question. One game is a timeline of the person's life with blanks left in it, and guests fill in what they know, such as the first car, the summer job at the lumberyard, or the year the family moved to the lake. A HeldFast Guide runs the games and leaves time between rounds, because the answers tend to start stories. The finished timeline and anything else guests write down are kept for the family.

Remembrance Meals

Sitting together at a table often makes it easier for people to talk. A Remembrance Meal combines a shared meal with just enough structure to let memories come up naturally. It can be a private family meal or include a wider group of guests, and it can be held at home or at a restaurant.

A Bright Luncheon has a playful tone, with old photographs, conversation prompts, or lighthearted games about the person's life. A Reflective Meal has a quieter tone, with prompts about how guests knew the person and what they remember most. Families may set out a few familiar belongings or photographs, or keep the focus on conversation. Guests may write a few lines during or after the meal, and these notes are kept for the family.

A Eulogy Around the Table

Most eulogies are written by one person, alone, in the days after a death. This one is written by the whole room. At a luncheon, a remembrance meal, or a gathering held weeks or months later, each table receives a stack of cards with short prompts, some serious and some funny.

Guests answer a line or two at a time and pin their cards to a board near the door, where everyone can watch the eulogy take shape and read what others have added.

Before the meal ends, the HeldFast Guide arranges the cards into a single eulogy, keeping each person's words where possible, and it is read aloud by a family member, by several voices in turn, or by HeldFast.

The board and the finished eulogy go home with the family. The eulogy becomes a keepsake that can be copied and shared with relatives and friends, including those who were not able to be there.

Children's Gathering

When a family loses someone close, children are often silent observers of everything going on around them. The Children's Gathering gives them a way to take part, through activities that let them honor the person they love and express their gratitude in their own way. HeldFast brings all of the materials and sets up the space, including drawing and writing pages made especially for children, along with crayons, markers, and a few simple prompts. The gathering can be led by a HeldFast facilitator, who sits with a small group and follows each child's lead and pace, or the space can be set up in a quiet corner where children can use the materials on their own. Activities include drawing a favorite memory, looking through photographs, holding something that belonged to the person, or answering a simple question in words or pictures. The space can stay open for the whole of a visitation, or it can be part of a luncheon or another memorial gathering. Anything the children create is theirs to take home or share with the family.

Quiet Remembrance Circle

The Quiet Remembrance Circle is designed for moments when words feel unnecessary or too difficult. Guests sit together in silence or near silence while a Guide offers a series of simple prompts, with long pauses between them. Each person may write privately or keep their thoughts to themselves, and nothing is spoken aloud unless the family asks the Guide to open or close the circle with a few words. Soft music can help settle the room. The circle can serve as a quiet pause within a larger gathering or be held on its own.

Letters from Loved Ones

Writing can come more easily after a little time has passed, especially for things that could not be said in person. Each guest receives a pre-addressed envelope, a short letter of invitation, and a few optional prompts to help them begin. They are invited to write in the days or weeks that follow, as much or as little as they like, and they may sign their full name, a first name, or nothing at all. If there is no gathering, the letter packets can be mailed directly to friends and associates.